Specifically, censorship of thoughts and feelings.
I remember one of the main reasons for starting a blog back when I was in my single digits is that I could speak freely and truthfully about things that were on my mind at the time. It worked as an awfully useful vent for the worries, anxieties and little happenings that I needed to share with people. It did, of course, mean that a large proportion of what I wrote was absolute garbage, sometimes even cryptic, but it always provided that get-away for when it was ultimately required.
So why now, when years have passed, whilst I still consider blogging something that I couldn’t live without, do I not feel that a resolution and comfort like that is possible? Not just that, but I feel most obtusely that I cannot blog about the things that really concern me in my life. I wonder if the censorship that I now apply to the extreme on this blog is due to my concerns being bigger and more destructive than before, or what the real motives are for not saying what I really want to say when I used to be able to. What sort of effect does that have on the blog as a whole, and on myself as a whole?
I thought I’d make an honest, reflective and kind of self-absorbed opener this time, because it’s been oh-so long since I’ve done so. And, of course, as usual, your participation is much appreciated!
I only happened upon thinking about all this because when something is troubling me, and I feel like I can’t talk to friends and family, it was always second bet to come onto the blogosphere and share it. And recently I was struck with one of those unhappy occurrences of trouble, and suddenly found myself longing to talk, yet I was totally unwilling to share it. Partly because I felt it was a egotistical topic (which I increasingly feel about whatever I talk about- which is actually quite an unhealthy feeling for the subject of a personal blog) and partly because I was afraid of what people would think. Whether they’d disapprove or think badly of me. And if there was anything that I never wanted to be debilitating to me, it’s that. Writing is very much for expression, and not just for entertainment. But recently, I’ve felt more like my blog is less honest and less ‘self-expression’, and more ordinary and more self-involved.
I’d be very interested to hear your own views on why you blog now and why you blogged then, and whether the satisfaction you experience and the topics you talk about are different now to then. Do you feel like you implement censorship more so now? I appreciate many things can involve censorship without sacrificing honesty, and it is often necessary to censor within topics and things we say, but I’m meaning a larger censorship, of issues that may not depict you in the ‘perfect light’ like the majority of the internet seems to want to have for their persona, or perhaps censoring feelings that end up eating at you more for not having expressed them. And what do you do as remedy? Do you find another medium, or is the result more negative than that? It’s really just something that has been on my mind, and I thought “to hell with it! It’s been too long since I’ve just said what’s bugging me.”.
Why do I blog? Mostly, it’s for the thoughts that I keep constantly in my head and the fact that I have no other way to let them out. I’ve always talked about things that have made people uncomfortable and I’ve always done it for me, regardless if I hurt people. I hate sounding like I’m a horrible person ( I have personality disorder not otherwise specified, so maybe that’s why I don’t have problems blogging so much and hurting people. Again, I sound horrible :() but regardless, I find blogging theraputic in so many ways. I admit I haven’t always been so open, but now I am. I find it helps to be honest and talk about the things that are bugging you. That’s just how I feel.
I’m just so public about my life, since I suffer from mental illness. I figure why not be public and share my own joys and tribulations? It’s been a hard road, but I think I understand why it has to be done. I can help bring awareness to what I do and how I do it. I never ever censor myself anymore, I feel that brings down my purpose of bringing awareness. Oh well, that’s just how it is.
[…] my previous blog post, Censorship, I’ve had a little revelation about which way I want to move my blog in. Nothing […]
I use to restrain myself when it came to blogging, but I don’t anymore. I talk about my life and put myself so publicly out there that I’m prepared to accept all the consequences. I use my Instagram, also to talk about my life and my struggles with my mental illness, or daily things. I guess, I don’t have much to fear anymore, and I feel that perhaps, that I’m tired of hiding who I am whether it be online or offline.
I just want to be me, the worst and best, even if it drives everyone away. I wanna get the chance to know and love myself for the things that I am, and things that I am not. I don’t know, but I feel being very public with all my struggles and problems can help someone, so I do that. I know a few people have come to me in private and told me that I helped them by relating. They aren’t alone and for that I am glad!
Still, it isn’t easy, but I guess at the end of the day, I do think being yourself is the most important.
I can definitely relate to this. When I first started blogging I wasn’t much for censorship and would often just say what I felt. I stepped away from lifestyle/personal blogs for some time and came back to blog in the book blogging community, and while there I found that blogging about my personal life became much harder to do while also being open. I censor a LOT now that I would most likely openly share on a personal blog, and I don’t like it. I like openness on my blog, although not too much.
There’s definitely a fine line between saying too much and feeling like you’re not saying enough. I say do whatever works for you. Censor what you’d like, and be open about the rest. 😛