One of these days, it may even be today, I am going to write the last blog post of my childhood. I become an adult in April 2014, and honestly, I have not experienced a feeling like this that I feel now, ever in my life. It’s a huge mixture of anticipation for the future, and nostalgia for the past. I’m missing childhood and I haven’t even left, but I know it’s the right time to move on. We all do when it comes to it.
I think that’s why I feel so nostalgic now. Because I know that when it comes to the time where I have to leave – and I’m not just talking childhood now, as much as the whole situation of childhood; going to sixth form, living at home – I know I am going to just get on. The future is coming, and when it arrives, there will be no good in missing the past, and no comfort in it. It will be natural to move on. And that’s ok. That’s why I’m letting myself feel nostalgia and sentiment now, because I feel like all that’s happened in the past nearly 18 years was important, and is worth reflecting on, worth missing. This is my ode to the past, before I make my way.
I started thinking about the whole concept of ‘being yourself’ and ‘knowing yourself’. It’s a tricky business a lot of the time, because if you begin to overthink it, you become lost in the little things and work yourself into a frenzy about your identity and your behaviour, and who you want to become. The reality of ‘being yourself’ is that you are yourself. You are yourself. Sometimes we forget that, and we look around for ourselves, but how can you ever expect to see something out of your eyes that is inside of you? I think the point I’m throwing about carelessly, and explaining very badly, is that despite our influences and obsessions, we will always be different – and that makes us worth something, to anybody in any situation.
This may seem like an entirely random point, but on the onset of adulthood and leaving home, I thought about all of this quietly to myself. I wanted to know who I am coming out of childhood and going into adulthood as. I wanted to know who I am inflicting on the new world which I may be facing very soon. Once, when I was younger, but still a blogger (it’s been a long time, guys), I was asking the same sort of questions, and I got one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever got. And it’s that, whoever you want to be, whatever traits you want to possess (whether it be to be nicer, or to embrace the unknown, or any other thing), you will always be that. The whole idea of wanting to be that person, makes you more so that person. For the life of me, I can’t remember who said that, otherwise I would give them due credit.
Anyway, there are always questions. I mean nothing I’ve said has really meant or solved anything. But I think it gives some sort of perspective. School was a really ruthless place, which stripped down people who are different from the societal norm. I suppose in a way, that started me off blogging. You have a voice. You have people who care to listen to that voice and respond only with the sincerity of their own voice. It takes some survival strategies to get through school; and we develop our own through the days. But it’s never just your life you are defending at school, but who you are, you as an individual. I walked a past a boy in his first year the other day, he was sat in the sunlight reading a book as people came out of lessons for their break. As I was watching him, he looked up at me, and he just smiled. And I know that boy will be awesome. I know he is awesome. And I hope that he finds the right way to keep himself through his many future years. Because it’s hard, and sometimes you loose it, but it’s a sad world we live in if we can’t be different.
And finally, as the blog has seemingly taken a natural deep turn (as it seems to have done every time these past few years), the last thing I have been reflecting on is the people I know or have known. I have been exceedingly lucky to meet the people I have. They saved my life multiple times and they are the most interesting people I know. They are indented in me forever and they have taught me so much. To those who were lost along the way, I still bleed for you and will always. And to all the rest, the only thing I want is for you to be you forever.
Beautiful post. Made me feel all nostalgic too now.
I miss being younger. High school years are a time where you feel like you can do anything, and be anything, then you get older and realise it’s a lot harder than the little dreams you had and that’s sad in a way. But at the same time high school is awful. Aww, that first year kid sounds so cute, the younger kids just used to yell abuse at us when we were in sixth form haha.
As for the ‘who you want to become’ stuff, that’s strange to think about. It reminds me of a song called ‘In my mind’ by Amanda Palmer, where she describes how she wanted to be a better person by now, but then realises she must be exactly who she wants to be, or she’d have tried harder to change otherwise. It’s a nice way of looking at it really.
This is really well written by the way. Clearly you’re going to be just as awesome as the smiley first year.
xx
I definitely got nostalgic when I was turning 18.
‘Being yourself’ and ‘knowing yourself’ are definitely different. ‘Being yourself’ is well, like you said, you are yourself whereas ‘knowing yourself’ is about knowing you are (which I definitely know nothing about).
School was what started me blogging, too. I felt like I was being stifled there and my blog was what gave me a voice. It’s so empowering.